Gaining Comfort with Good Relationships

(If you wish to see this blog's first entry, click here.)

Today, I came across the movie, Mona Lisa Smile when mindlessly channel surfing. I remembered being incredibly intrigued by the movie when it first came out, particularly because of the main character's advocation for free thinking and challenging conformity. There was one scene that stuck in my mind the minute I experienced it, and it was to witness this scene again that I watched the whole movie this afternoon.

In the scene, Julia Roberts' character (Katherine Watson) approaches Julia Stiles' character (Joan Brandwyn) to discuss options for attending law school after graduation as opposed to becoming a housewife (the norm of the 1954 movie setting that Katherine strongly rejects).

Much to Katherine's dismay, Joan announces that she has shelved her law school dreams in order to pursue her greater dream of becoming a wife and mother. As she shows Katherine her ring from her very recent elopement, Joan addresses Katherine's apparent attitude of disappointment:

"You stand in class and tell us to look beyond the image, but you don't. To you a housewife is someone who sold her soul for a center hall colonial. She has no depth, no intellect, no interests. You're the one who said I could do anything I wanted. This is what I want."

At this point in the movie, I had felt very attached to Katherine. So much so that when Joan spoke these words, they seemed to cut into me as much as they were meant to affect the character, Katherine. Why did it bother me? Because I strongly felt that marriage was a sacrifice of self and that women who grew up with the goal of getting married were weak, dependent, and afraid of being alone.

But not me. I didn't need anybody else in my life. I didn't need anyone to take care of me. I was perfectly fine being by myself and calling my own shots, and because of this comfort, I 'knew' that God was calling me to "the single life." Besides, I had far too much baggage to burden another person with--to do so would mean a less enjoyable life for the other person. Yep, being single was definitely the only way to live life happily--with no limited options or choices, which meant I could help so many more people than just a husband and a few kids.

Oh, how I realized today how much of this thinking relates to the qualities of an ACOA. Not only did I not have one single positive example of a healthy relationship in my life, I also viewed a "normal" way of living in marriage as something that simply didn't interest me. Why didn't it interest me? For the same reason it would disinterest most ACOAs: fear.

I've learned that my projected confidence in being able to support myself comes from the ACOA characteristic of needing absolute control, which stems from the upbringing of always needing to fend for myself, since my parents wouldn't/couldn't support me. A marriage means a relationship, which means share of control. ACOAs fear loss of control, which is why I might have viewed marriage as a "self-sacrifice."

Feeling that any aspect of me as a person or the life I live(d) would be a "burden" to another person stems from the ACOA characteristic of low self-esteem. (It is important to note that having self-confidence is not necessarily the same as having a high self-esteem.) Having low self-esteem is fearing that others won't/can't accept you for who you are. This was my case.

Finally, feeling that life happiness is measured by the number of people I can help relates to the ACOA characteristic of constantly putting others before myself. This seems to connect with a fear of what others might think, or a fear of failure.

I think these fears, and many more, might relate to any healthy relationship with an ACOA. When things are the best they can be, the ACOA can always find something to criticize, or something that was a disappointment. This is most often an action of the ACOA's partner that the ACOA took very personally based on the ACOA's own, misconstrued interpretations. These "misconstrued interpretations," I feel, are the largest stress source for both parties involved because they are related to shaky assumptions/expectations that the ACOA develops in attempting to "guess what normal is."

This, at least, has been the truth in my personal relationship. I've found that most of the 'problems' and conflicts that have arisen are strictly rooted in the way I interpret things, assume things, expect things, and fill in the blanks about ANYTHING my boyfriend does or doesn't say/do. Letting the fear of what might be thought of me infringe on my ability to ask questions and express my feelings has only caused me to revert to what I am used to as an ACOA: turning on the numb, and separating myself. This has been exposed in the ways I constantly degrade myself for burdening my boyfriend, turning the accusation on him as, "Look how sad I've made you. See? I told you you weren't ready for this. This is just too hard, and I really think I'm just better off on my own." (Take note how in this example, I seem to be taking all the blame so as to keep all the control--I feel like this can especially be seen in saying "I told you..." Wow, it's weird analyzing your own actions...)

In many of our conflicts, my boyfriend has implored through his tears, "Why can't you just be happy being happy?" While I don't think anyone wants to be unhappy, I feel like this reaction of another person relates to yet another ACOA characteristic of only knowing chaos, and therefore only being comfortable with chaos (subconsciously, of course!). An article that particularly spoke to me when I was contemplating ending my relationship with my boyfriend talks about the reasons why us ACOAs seem to run from good relationships. It seemed to affect my sister as well, when I sent it to her after she broke up with her AMAZING boyfriend for "no good reason really." When her statements continued with "I'm not even upset, and I don't know why. Oh well, this is the story of my life," I saw a pretty good example of what this article was talking about.

If you are in a recognizably healthy relationship and are considering ending it for seemingly large reasons, let me offer you some things to ponder before you make any rash decisions...

1. Name the specific elements you deem "problems."
2. Why are they "problems"? What exactly are they affecting about YOU?
3. Take note of your different emotions and feelings associated with the "problems." Do they relate to anything in your upbringing or ACOA characteristics?
   
4. Have you brought these issues/aspects to the attention of your partner?
5. If not, discuss them with your partner in a non-threatening way in which you personalize your "problems" as "things you struggle with." KEEP IN MIND, however, that your partner might still take these things very personally, so don't overwhelm him or her with everything that's ever bothered you all at once.
   

(If these things seem like MOUNTAINS of a task, I'd suggest reading Janet Woititz's Life Skills for Adult Children)

If you are in a relationship where your partner (or friend, or relative...whatever!) sincerely loves you, then it's only fair to give him or her the courtesy of learning exactly where he or she is coming from, and not basing your "problems" off of personal assumptions and unexplained interpretations. Your partner will appreciate you making the effort to learn more about him or her than you walking away "out of nowhere" (it would probably seem like that). More importantly, you will gain a comfort in being able to base your feelings and emotions on facts, and not on assumptions. Remember: YOU HAVE A RIGHT TO YOUR FEELINGS. However, I don't feel that you have the right to hold how you feel against another person if how you feel is based solely on your personal interpretations, and not on reality--perception is reality, they say; but, things are not always what they seem...so find out the truth before you run.

In the end, rejoice in who you are, and embrace the love others have for you. I have no doubt that you have many reasons for others to love and appreciate and enjoy you. If you find yourself thinking, "no, I'm not special, I don't see why anyone would even like me..." realize that this is a programmed response! You even being alive after your upbringing is something to be proud of, and something for others to love. Let them. The more you allow others to love you, the more you will be able to love yourself.

(Oh, and watch Mona Lisa Smile if you get a chance, because I really think the main character, Katherine, might be an ACOA herself based on her thoughts and actions in the movie. I'd be interested to see if you see any similarities...)

Peace be with you.